This, of course, is a totally fruitless exercise, since I've never seen these people dance before (or, for that matter, even heard of some of them), but why not handicap the Dancing with the Stars field, now that the pairings of celebrities and professional partners have been officially announced? C'mon, it'll be fun!
NB: My undying love for Chelsie Hightower may impact where I place her on this list. I can't help it -- I'm human. I love her.
I'm gonna put them in order of first eliminated to winner. Here goes!
16. Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani
The model always goes first. Think Paulina Porizkova.
15. Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough
When there's two models in the group, the one who doesn't have Derek Hough as her partner is out the door right in front of the one who does. Sorry Joanna!
14. Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinksa
Poor Edyta -- always the tan, tan also-ran.
13. Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke
The novelty is bound to wear off by Week 4, right? Not this time Cheryl.
12. Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya
I'm thinking the cross-over of WWE and Dancing with the Stars fans is probably pretty slight. We'll see...
11. Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel
Sharon Osbourne might have a chance at winning. Kelly? Not so much.
10. Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo
The Dancing folks do love their Olympians (Apolo Anton Ono, Shawn Johnson), but since his victory in Season 1 Alec has been a bit of a bad-luck charm. We'll see if Natalie can change that.
9. Macy Gray and Jonathan Roberts
Jonathan is booooo-ooo-ring, but Macy should bring enough squeaky-voiced drama for the two of them.
8. Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova
The footballer-s usually last awhile, but without a partner with a built-in fanbase, a midseason exit sounds about right.
7. Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower
I've already acknowledged I have no objectivity when it comes to Chelsie. Love does that to you.
6. Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff
These two could be the best dancers in the bunch, and might bring some real heat to the floor.
5. Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkoviskiy
I can't wait for the behind-the-scenes screaming matches between these two! It'll probably be more dramatic than anything that happens on the dance floor!
4. Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas
Two-time champ Mark doesn't have a shot at title #3 with Clarissa, but at least he'll have it all explained!
3. Mark Dacasos and Lacey Schwimmer
Lacey deserves a good showing after putting up with Steve-O this year, but a third place finish is probably the best she can hope for.
RUNNER-UP: Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson
I just couldn't award Donny the win -- he wants it too bad. Still, long-suffering Kym definitely deserves a chance to hoist the trophy over her head.
WINNER: Mya and Dmitry Chaplin
Dmitry gets paid back for putting up with Holly Madison last season, and Mya gets the hottest pro on the show. Sounds like a win-win for the win to me!